Rev. Dr. Brent Russett – Asbury Free Methodist
November 19, 2023 – Ephesians 5:21-6:9
I love teaching God’s word. I love preaching through books of the Bible. The problem with doing that is that you can’t skip passages. You preach what comes next in the book. Usually, that is great, but every so often, I run across a passage that I struggle with how to preach it in a way that is consistent with who God is and also say it in a way that won’t get distorted when you are hearing it.
This is one of those passages. It is also challenging to communicate because to understand this passage, it is important that you have understood what Paul has been saying before we get to this passage. If you take this passage out of context, you will make it into something that it is not. Worse than that, I have known of people who use this passage to bludgeon others. They have inflicted damage that is so anti-Christian, all the while they are maintaining that they are “biblical.” That is not good. In fact, it is evil.
It feels like as I jump into this I am going where angels fear to tread. But here we go.
Let me give you some background to get us all on the same page. As followers of Christ, we believe in the dignity of all people. As followers of Jesus, we also believe in the equality of all people before God. All people, irrespective of their race or class, their culture, sex, or age, are equal before God. All people have been made in the image of God.
More than that, the gospel is about erasing the dividing wall between people. Paul says,
Galatians 3:28 (NLT)
28 There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.
If you read the sermon on the mount carefully, you will see how seriously Jesus takes it when we demean, manipulate, or oppress people. So, when we come to this passage, give Paul a little credit for writing in a way that is consistent with the rest of the gospel.
If you have been following with us through the book of Ephesians, then you know that Paul sees God’s intention as creating one new humanity.
The next piece of background that you need to be reminded of is that Paul is writing this passage to Christians – to followers of Jesus. He is talking about having good relationships within Christ’s body. So, with that as a background, let’s dive into this passage.
Ephesians 5:21–22 (NIV)
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
Greek is a wonderful language that is sometimes hard to translate faithfully into English.
When we read these verses, they sound like commands. It is translated in most versions as an imperative – a command. But that is not how it is written in the Greek. Submitting to one another and wives submitting to their husbands are dependent clauses – of the command that is written above. Be filled with the Spirit.
Ephesians 5:18b–22 (NIV)
Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
The command is to be filled with the Spirit. Out of being filled with the Spirit comes music and, thanksgiving and submission to one another.
If you try to make submission into a stand-alone command, it isn’t going to go well for anyone. Good Christian relationships come from being filled with the Spirit.
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The other problem we have with interpreting this passage is with how we use the word submit or submission in our culture.
We don’t really use it anywhere – except in the sport of wrestling or MNA fighting. In these sports, you try to beat the other person into a place where you can get a hold of them in such a way that you make them submit. You get them in an armbar where the pain is so high that they tap out and submit.
This is how our culture understands submission. This is not a scriptural view of submission at all.
In a Christian view of submission, I don’t make you submit to me – I choose to submit to you. I cannot go to you and say you must submit to me. I choose to put myself under someone else’s authority.
We do this all the time in our culture. We go to the doctor to talk about our physical issues – and we then choose or not to submit to his authority and take what she has prescribed.
If you are not that familiar with cars, you submit to a mechanic when you take your car into the shop. We submit to one another.
It is the same in the body of Christ. It is the same in your marriage. If your wife is an accountant, you will want to submit to her expertise in your financial planning.
In the Church, if we are filled with the Spirit, we submit to one another. As Paul says in another place, we prefer others ahead of ourselves. We don’t have to get our own way. We choose the way of humility. We choose the way of love. That is what it means to submit ourselves one to another.
When it comes to Christian marriage, we remember that our spouse is also our brother or sister in Christ. As such, we submit to one other.
But Paul makes it more specific.
Ephesians 5:21–28 (NIV)
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Paul has a lot more to say to husbands than he does to wives. But let’s see if we can untangle what Paul is saying.
Unlike much of our world, Paul recognizes that men and women are wired differently. Some of that is cultural, and some of that is biology.
Let’s start with the husbands. Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church. Paul is writing into a culture where women couldn’t own property or vote and where men made all the decisions for the family. It was his way or the highway.
Into that culture Paul writes husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.
How did Christ love the Church? He did everything that was needed for her to be holy and blameless. In other words, he died for the Church. Husbands love your wife in a way that is sacrificial.
When this passage is read, often what gets focused on is headship. Some read this passage as men are intended to dominate women and women are intended to submit. In this view, headship, sometimes interpreted as leadership – often leads to a sense of entitlement.
I have watched these dynamics over the years in a number of marriages. If there is real love in the marriage, then objectification, entitlement and domination do not seem to be as big of an issue. But if love is misunderstood, or the man is emotionally unhealthy or emotionally unaware, then objectification, entitlement and domination become a reality. Men work eight hours a day and then come home and sit in front of the television expecting to be served their supper. Meanwhile, the woman puts in a 16-hour day taking care of the kid. I don’t have time to unpack what headship means or doesn’t mean – but it certainly does not mean entitlement. If you read this passage carefully, the man is cast in a serving role more than the wives.
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Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. How does the Church submit to the Lord – we look for ways to walk in a good relationship with Him.
The fruit of submission comes out of being filled with the Spirit. There is this beautiful picture of submitting to or preferring one another. There is also this beautiful picture of wives being loved so well that their emotional needs are being met, and husbands being loved in a way where the wife is looking to walk in a good relationship with her husband.
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As I am describing this, I know that this is going to be too mushy and not direct enough for some of you. But most good marriages are exactly that way. We look for ways to love each other and prefer each other. Sometimes, we submit, and sometimes we have to work out where there is conflict.
Let me tell you what it does not mean. It does not mean, as I have heard some people say, that a husband and wife try to work things out but the husband has a veto vote. You can’t love someone well if you are always holding the trump card. Love doesn’t work like that.
It doesn’t mean that the wife always and immediately acquiesces or complies with everything that the husband says. That is neither love nor a relationship – that is servitude. Wives were not meant to be servants to their husbands, nor were husbands meant to be servants to their wives – unless they are both trying to outserve one another.
I am always concerned that people will understand this passage of scripture poorly. I have heard way too many stories like the one Carolyn Heggen relays in her book Abuse, Women, and the Bible.
A women went to her pastor and told about her husband’s abusive behavior. The pastor’s response was: “No matter what he’s doing to you, he is still your spiritual head. Respect those behaviors that you can respect and pray for those that you can’t respect. But remember, no matter what, you owe it to him and to God to live in submission to your husband. You’ll never be happy until you submit to him.
It was no wonder that when she came to Carolyn for counselling that she felt like she was going crazy. She was unhappy as a battered wife but had been told by her pastor that to be happy, she must submit to her batterer.
Even more disturbing was the devoutly religious husband who insisted that he battered his wife because she wouldn’t submit to his God-given headship.
I wish that were an isolated incident – but it is not. Using the bible like that is wrong and sinful. There is absolutely no place for abuse, either spousal or child abuse, in the body of Christ.
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God cares about your relationship with one another as husband and wife. In fact, Peter says that husbands need to be considerate of their wives lest their prayers be hindered.
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I am not a marriage counsellor, but I have seen my fair share of marriages in distress. If you have one of those marriages, then this is not the best scripture to start with.
It is better that you both commit to living out of Chapter 4 first. Put off the old self and put on the new self by being made new in the attitude of your mind.
Put off falsehood and speak truthfully. Don’t sin in your anger, and deal with your anger quickly. Don’t let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth – but build each other up. Get rid of bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander and malice. Be kind. Be compassionate. Forgive as Christ forgave you.
Then you start to work out of chapter 5.
Walk in the way of love. Get rid of foolish talk. Instead, express gratitude. Live as children of the light. Don’t live a hidden life. Understand what pleases God and what his will is. Be filled with the Spirit.
When you are living out those things, you can start to negotiate the dynamics of your relationship mentioned at the end of chapter 5.
Here is the bottom line. You cannot change your spouse. That is a fool’s errand. But, with God’s help, you can change.
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I have worked with enough couples to know that it is the spouse who always has the problem. The problem is always the other person. Sometimes the problem isn’t 50/50. Sometimes the problem is 70/30. I will say that you will have a hard time being objective about who is right and who is wrong. The issue is not the percentage of the person who is in the wrong. The issue is, are you willing to deal with your own stuff – whether your partner does or not.
When you deal with your own stuff, you give God the opportunity to deal with your spouse’s stuff. But if you don’t deal with your own stuff – it makes it hard for God to work on the other person.
I will end this section as Paul does. He says to the husband.
Ephesians 5:33 (NIV)
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
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Let’s pop down to chapter 6.
Ephesians 6:1–4 (NIV)
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
The same thing needs to be said of children. Children are image bearers of God. They deserve dignity and respect from adults – especially their parents. Paul writes to the children and says obey your parents and honour your parents. If kids learn honour and obedience early, it sets them up for life. If they learn rebellion early, it hurts them until they figure out that part of their heart.
Again, Paul is writing to people who live in a male-dominated patriarchal society, so he says, “Fathers do not exasperate your children.” The problem in his day was parents, especially fathers, being too domineering. That is not good. That is not how much of our society works now – but I know in some cases it still needs to be said: parents don’t exasperate your kids by being too domineering.
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Let me take you to chapter 6, verse 5, where it starts to talk about masters and slaves.
Ephesians 6:5 (NIV)
5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.
It was a different time and a different place. There were slaves, and there were masters. Paul didn’t try to change society. He tried to work within its bounds while creating a different kind of society or culture within the Church. The idea is that if the Church creates a different kind of culture, and that culture is seen as good and spreads to the surrounding culture, that change will happen.
So, let me give you the back story here. As you know, Ephesians was written by Paul, who was in prison in Rome. At the same time that he wrote Ephesians, he wrote Colossians. We know that the Colossians letter is going to be delivered by Tychicus and Onesimus. We know that the Ephesians letter is going to be delivered by Tychicus (Eph 6:21) So, it looks like Tychius was going to go to Colosae, drop the letter to the Colossians off, and Onesimus off because he came from Colossae and then travel on to Ephesus and deliver the letter to the Ephesians.
Here is why this is important. As I said, Onesimus was from Colossae. In fact, he was a runaway slave from Colossae. And what is worse, his Master, his owner – was part of the Church at Colossae. His name was Philemon. You may recognize that name because a very short book in the New Testament is named after Philemon. That is because Paul wrote a letter to Philemon about Onesimus. Apparently, Philemon became a follower of Jesus under Paul’s ministry.
Paul basically says Onesimus has become a follower of Jesus. He has become like a son to me, but I am sending him back to you anyway – because I don’t want to manipulate you to do something that you don’t want to do.
This is what Paul says,
Philemon 15–17 (NIV)
15 Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever—16 no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a fellow man and as a brother in the Lord.
17 So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me.
Paul doesn’t say you have to free him. But he does say you have to treat him as a brother in Christ. In fact, treat him as you would treat me. So, while this whole story is being played out in the background, Paul writes,
Ephesians 6:5–9 (NIV)
5Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. 6 Obey them not only to win their favour when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. 7 Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, 8 because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.
9 And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favouritism with him.
If you look at this passage from a 50,000-foot point of view, what Paul is talking about is the kind of person that you are called to be.
Here is the thing. It is in our fallen nature to ask the question, what can I get away with? So, if you are in a low-paying job, the question is, what is the least I can get away with doing? If you have authority, you ask, what is the least I can pay the people who work for me?
But Paul is saying something quite different. It is not about who you work for or who works for you. It is whose you are. He says whatever you do, work for the Lord. The bonus of that is that as you are working for the Lord, you are also doing a good job for your employer. You get paid in the next pay period by your employer, but you get rewarded by the Lord for your work as well. You will receive an inheritance from the Lord.
And to the people who do wrong, especially the people in power, – know that God will make it right. He doesn’t show favouritism because you are rich or in authority now.
Relationships are complicated, but our focus is not on the other person but on who we are as a person. We look to Jesus to change our dark side and make us into the person that we were created to be. As that happens, he lets us know how we are to be in the different relationships in our lives.
That is very different than our tendency to wish the other person would change. God wants us to focus on our own hearts and let him change us. We want to call the best out of other people, but it is not our job to change them. Our job is to point them to Jesus. He is the one who changes us.
Sermon Questions – Ephesians 5:21-6:9
Introduction
1. What are you giving thanks for?
2. What are you praying about?
Digging in
3. Read Ephesians 5:21-33
4. Read Galatians 3:26-28. What does this tell us about the body of Christ. Should we interpret the Ephesians passage through the lens of Galatians or the Galatians passage through the lens of Ephesians?
5. Read Ephesians 5:18-22. The sermon made note that verse 21 and 22 are not written as command but as supporting clauses to the command, “be filled with the Spirit.” What does this tell us about verses 21 and 22. Who makes the choice to submit?
6. What does Ephesians 5:23-26 tell us about husbands? What is the main emphasis of these verses?
7. What are some ways that this passage can be abused if misunderstood?
8. Read Ephesians 6:1-4. What are the commands given in this passage? What are the challenges of implementing this passage?
9. Read Ephesians 6:5-9 – Do you think this passage condones slavery? What are commands in this passage. How do they apply in our world?